What to do now?

This weekend was so wonderful and then it wasn't.  Ever have one of those?


It started on Thursday with a wonderful worship night at our church, which then took me into Friday, where I attended a women's conference that lasted into Saturday.  I then came home to go to church, followed by more wonderful worship.


I was so looking forward to spending time as a family after church. One daughter had been very tired and wanted to stay home from church to rest. Another daughter had made plans already with her friend.  So, my husband and I made plans to go out and have dinner.  My heart was mis construed and I was suddenly looked at as hateful and selfish.  2 things that I don't usually equate to myself.  However, if those you love so much, see you as this.....It devastates.  Eventually I lost my cool and told them that "yes, I am a horrible person" I used a few choice words in saying this about myself, but I lost my temper.  I felt attacked.


So where does this leave me?  I have apologized. I am not perfect and I fall daily.  Sometimes bigger then others.  I will trust that God's grace is sufficient. 

2 Corinthians 12:9

⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

You see all I wanted to do was have a strong family, to be my daughters best friends and confidants.  To be their biggest cheerleader.  To be present for everything I possibly could, to encourage, to hug, to love.  I WANTED my children, still do :).  I thought that through the years I had worked hard to do this.  In one swoop, I feel like I failed.  My foundation was shaken.


Today, I feel like I am a failure as a mom.  That is no easy pill to swallow and when it was your dream and your identity, what do you do now? My mother didn't have these same dreams, she didn't want to be a mom, and she ran. That is what I was taught. To run. But I won't. 


I was taught that families are not real, that we live for ourselves. But then I have had the beautiful opportunity to see what real families are. To see mom's and dad's who sacrifice themselves for the bigger picture of their families.  The most important example of God sacrificing his own son for me, so that I could be considered his own. I will pray and stand and take what this life brings, the joy along with the devastation.  I will place my hope in Him. I will continue to love even when I am not loved back. I will pray, A LOT!!


See, Satan wants our families.  It is his goal to destroy us.  So why wouldn't he attack me after I had just spent so much wonderful time with God?  After I had such wonderful revelation about my family? So when I ask myself or you what to do now?  I will put my hope in Him!


Psalm 31:24 ²⁴ Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the LORD.

Psalm 39:7 ⁷ “But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you.

^{Psalm 43:5 5} Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

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